Ignore It!

Starred review from July 17, 2017
Pearlman, a parenting columnist and licensed social worker, shows moms and dads how strategically refusing to react to disruptive behavior can lead to a cooperative family dynamic. Pearlman advocates “selective ignoring,” a strategy based on recognized behavior-modification research. Above all, she writes, kids want parents’ full attention—good or bad—and will go to “extreme lengths” to get it, whether through crying, tantrums, unreasonable demands, or even making themselves throw up, until the parent gives up and gives in, reinforcing the child’s belief that such behavior is an effective way of getting what they want.” Instead of being a pushover or escalating an acrimonious situation, a parent can step away and make the incident a teachable moment. “Behavior that is not reinforced (or is ignored) wanes,” and good behavior that is praised or rewarded becomes habit, Pearlman states. To that end, she provides step-by-step methods for practicing selective ignoring in the short and long term, plus useful charts and progress reports, entertaining true stories, tips and tricks, and FAQs, all directed toward identifying and acknowledging children’s positive behavior or imposing consequences (not punishment) for inappropriate behavior. Fun to read and written in a parent-to-parent voice, this is a welcome reintroduction of well-tested child-raising methods and should be required reading for all parents.

June 15, 2017

From tantrums and food strikes to sibling bickering and random refusals, children often seem to create drama and incite arguments intentionally. Family counselor Pearlman (social work, Brandman Univ.) advises mom and dad to turn a blind eye and step away in order to effectively decrease power struggles and avoid blistering disagreements. Demonstrating how debate and engagement with a child only encourages whining and negotiating, Pearlman presents a four-step process designed to increase both a child's self-esteem and parenting satisfaction. The author stands firm in the belief that parents will always lose something in a negotiation, even if they "win," reminding us that "any attention--even negative--still motivates a child." Ignoring bad behavior is known to be a preferable and more effective tool than over-correcting. And as always, parents will need a lot of inner strength and consistency to get the desired results. VERDICT For public library collections.

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